I fear I may be turning into a middle aged gay man with a ’boutique’ interior design business and serious OCD.
This week I experienced Capuchin Rage.
Capuchins are, of course the very cute little monkeys favoured by Hollywood directors for anything that requires, well, a monkey. Think Ross’ monkey in Friends and Ben Stiller’s arch enemy the key-stealing Capuchin in Night at the Museum.
Well it’s also a rather whimsical Sanderson fabric that I fancied for covering an old, vintage Parker Knoll armchair for our holiday let cottage.
And it costs an arm and a leg. Add to that treating it to repel stains and shrug off sparks and you may as well have just stapled tenners to the damned chair.
I digress. Turns out the upholsterer is the Bono of chair makeovers. With his tough, gritty Lancashire accent and his flowing rock God hair (nothing like Bono actually, more like Sean Bean in Lord of the Rings, only not Yorkshire) he’s already quite intimidating. He asks me technical questions about sitting down, pattern repeats and that kind of thing.
I assert that it’s unlikely I’ll be sitting on the damn thing and that it’s for a holiday let so whatever he would advise, as the expert, would work for multiple bottoms would probably be the answer.
Then the fabric arrives from the very expensive fabric place. He calls me at 7.30pm having a hissy fit. It’s all wrong, it’s only any use for curtains, the treatments have made it too stiff to work with, I’ll have to use it for something else. Which shouldn’t matter as I’m an interior designer. What?
That cleared up, and emails from the very expensive fabric place, with the bits edited out that assert the problem is with the upholstery diva and not the darling design, forwarded, the next phone call is ‘don’t worry, it’ll be fine.’ With the addition of another £150 for something I think he called interlining, from the shop of ‘they saw you coming’….
The very expensive fabric place sent me a pure wool throw to calm me down. Apparently they’re used to extinguishing Capuchin Rage. Very kind of them as the Rock God of Upholstery is squarely in the sights for lighting the blue (a kind of duck egg blue) touch paper.