BUILD YOUR OWN DIY RED ROOM (OF – 50 SHADES OF – PAIN) EXTOLLED THE PRESS RELEASE: BUT WE’VE HAD ONE FOR 10 YEARS

DIY Red Room

Yes this was the image that accompanied the press release which explained how to knock up a Kinky Corner or Sado-Morning Room.  Imagine my surprise when I discovered that I’d been living with a Red Room for the last decade – and the rare action it had seen (from me) was occasional mechanical attention – with a vacuum cleaner.

Worse, the space doubles as my office.  I’m writing from there now.  There’s a big mug of coffee on my right (burn-y hot no doubt if applied to certain nethers).  It’s in my ‘Age and Treachery will overcome Youth and Skill’ mug.   Portentous indeed.  On my left is a big tub of Sudocrem (henceforth known as Sadocrem).  The coffee is for drinking, not dunking of various body parts and the Sadocrem, well it’s on its way into the bathroom medicine cabinet, but I was distracted by a phone call.

But, dear reader, a red room it still is.  Because if that picture is anything to go by, then we have all the kit.  ALL of it.

You see my number 1 husband (only husband, actually) is a mountaineer.  He has kit that looks exactly like that illustrated.  Although, to be fair, unlike the ‘model’ in the image he does wear pants with these straps over the top.  The sort of pants that you can zip bits off to conjure long shorts, shorter shorts etc.

He also has a selection of ropes, crampons, clippy things that, well I’m sure could be multi-purposed, and a selection of robust helmets and gimp-potential thermal balaclavas.

Enough already.  However, I’m a horse person.  So the whips, spurs, leather headgear (for the horses, not me) and long leather boots are my contribution.

Much of this kit is housed in a very durable set of shelves he insisted shoving into an alcove in my office.  So all we are short of is the material to provide the folds of red satin.

Contemplating this however I’m reminded of the high thread count on my new Egyptian cotton bedding and Johnny Eff’s dedication to greasing and oiling bits of mechanical knick-knackery.

The pale blue Laura Ashley curtains stay.  I’ll get the vac.

 

 

 

 

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